More Kimbo Ramblings

I was in such a bad mood today, and I am not even sure completely why. This is the happiest time of my life, being engaged to a wonderful man who as of August I will be so proud to call my husband. But I just feel out of sorts lately. Like I am not sure what to do with myself, its as though I am unsure of myself and my abilities. And I know it is silly. I guess when one chapter of your life ends and another begins, it just makes you think. But I wouldn't trade any of this.

I did come to realize the other day my relief that I will no longer ever have to deal with dating. Putting yourself out there, getting rejected, meeting weirdos, getting your heart broken. I am done with it all, and it is like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I've never been one who enjoyed dating. First dates were something I dreaded. There is nothing worse then going out with someone for the first time, and being on your best behavior, trying to impress them, with the every annoying awkward silence that always happens. No wondering after the date if your ever going to hear from them again. Dating to me seemed like an interview process. Trying to show that person how much better you are then all the rest of the prospects.

I deal much better with relationships, being with that one person, knowing that no matter what, they are there for you. I am excited about getting married!! It is something that I have always wanted. I am a natural caregiver and nurturer, and the idea of having a spouse and children and a home to take care of has always appealed to me. I look forward to having Phil come home from work and telling me about his day while we have dinner together, and being able to have him be the last thing I see when I go to sleep, and the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. Having him beside me through life, through good times and bad, knowing that I will never have to be alone in this life, because even when we are apart, he is still with me.

I was perfectly content being alone, and being single, for the rest of my life. I had actually resigned myself to being that way. But now that I met him, my life has meaning, and it has a purpose, and that is to love him and be the best wife and mother to our children that I can be. I wonder, and even worry, at times that I may not be a good wife, that maybe I won't be able to make him happy. But I see now I just need to be myself, be the women that he fell in love with, and that by doing that, I will be good at this wife thing.

Its just time for me to stop worrying about the little things, and focus on being engaged and being happy and just let life happen as it does. Things will be a lot better though once we are together on a daily basis, and we don't have to go days being apart. I think right now that's what a lot of my problem is, I miss him so much. When we are together, it feels right. To leave him at the end of the night, it just feels wrong. Watching him walk away, its heartbreaking.

Meeting the folks

Sunday night we took my dad out to celebrate his birthday by seeing the new Pirates movie, and taking him out to dinner. They invited Phil to come with us, so that they could meet him.

We saw the movie first, and we were all not impressed by this third Pirates movie. There was way too many different plot points going on that made it hard to follow, and it seemed to drag on for way too long. Of course, they left it open for a 4th movie, but I don't know, I think in order for a 4th movie to be successful, they are really going to have to do better then this one. But that's just my opinion. Some people I know saw it and loved it.

After the movie we went over to dinner. The food was good and my parents thought Phil was a nice guy and they were happy to meet him. Its always nerve-wrecking though, meeting the parents of the person your dating, let alone the person you are going to marry. I had no doubts though that they would like him, because really, there isn't anything not to like about him. He is such a wonderful guy.

Of course now that we're getting married, everyone wants to meet him. Tomorrow night we are having dinner at my grandma's house in Scottsdale, and then next Friday we're having dinner at my grandma's in Chandler. They are both anxious to meet him, and I know that like my parents, they are going to love him as well.

Just thoughts....

My Saturday night has been pretty quiet. Phil is out fishing with his brother tonight (because apparently you fish for catfish at night...see you do learn something new everyday!), so I've watched two movies: Pirates of the Caribbean 2 (since I am going to see the new third installment tomorrow) and The Naked Mile. But I've been doing a lot of thinking about things today.

As each day ticks by, it gets closer and closer to August, and closer and closer to the day we get married. Phil's wedding ring was delivered the other day. As soon as I got the package I tore it open and just sat there at my desk, staring at it, thinking, "Wow". It made this whole seem thing real, I suppose. And last night when I got home I saw a package sitting out by the front door and it happened to be the wedding present I bought for him. I find that I keep looking at the ring, imagining what it will be like to say vows to each other and exchange rings, and make that commitment to each other. But then I worry. I've never been married before, what if I don't know how to be a good wife? What if I can't contribute enough financially? I don't want him to resent me because I make so little a month, thanks to the government. And I know he wouldn't, but its a thought in my head. I want to do my part in this marriage. I want to make him happy. I just feel like there is so much I don't know about how to be an adult, for some reason. Maybe this all has to do with my birthday coming up, just one more year closer to 30, and I look back and wonder what the hell have I accomplished so far. I feel like I am behind. My high school reunion is coming up in October and looking at my alumni page, everyone seems to be married and have kids and careers, and I am almost 28 years old and still living at home, unable to work anymore, wanting independence.

But then I look back, and I think of all the things I have done. I've grown up, I've learned to be a women, how to take care of myself, my likes and dislikes, my morals and opinions. I went to school and earned an Associates Degree. Life has taken me for a joy ride and I have come up with my head held high and a smile on my face. I built myself a career that even though I am unable to do now, I could always fall back on it if need be. Now I enter a new chapter in my life, and I am going to take all the experiences I have had so far, and just add to it. I just hope I am good at this whole being married thing. I just want us to have a happy life together.

Besides that, when I came on here tonight to blog, I saw I had a blog comment on the blog I wrote about my wedding news. Much to my surprise, it was from my actual dad. It has been a long time since I have heard from him. Not sure what to make of it. Its nice that he wrote me. But in a way I feel he's putting the fact that we have no relationship all on me, like I want nothing to do with him. This has never been the case. I've tried to have a relationship with him, when I came back to Arizona after living in Florida, I tried opening the door, even saying let's just be friends. But I got nothing, no phone calls, no emails, no nothing. It seemed to me that he was the one who didn't want any contact with me, and after awhile, I just gave up. I always have, and still do, have respect for him, he's my father after all, and growing up he worked hard to make sure we had a nice home and nice things, and food on the table. But after my parents divorced, and mom and I moved to Florida, it just seems like whatever relationship we had just went out the window. I'm not saying I am perfect, but I think I was a pretty good daughter, still am. I was never a bad kid growing up, I didn't cause a lot of trouble. So I wonder why he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. Maybe he just never really wanted to be a father. I don't know. I think its a shame that he doesn't know the women I have become. But then I get this comment from his tonight and he says he's leaving it up to me. So, I'll try again. If he wants to talk, wants to get together, work things out, whatever, then I am here, I am open to that. But its a two-way street.

Starbucks blogging

I'm sitting outside of Starbucks right now, with my trusty laptop, just blogging away with Phil sitting here next to me. It amazes me all the different types of people there are around here. I love to people watch, from the pretentious people sitting around boosting about whatever shit they have done which they think is important, to the uber nerds sitting around reading a book or typing away on a laptop......

Oh wait......

Anywho...the weather is nice actually, which is surprising for June, and I am sitting here with the love of my life just enjoying a nice Friday night and thought, why not say hi to all my blogging friends. I hope your Friday night is going as well as mine is.

My wedding news

So in my blog this morning I said I had some news to share, but had to wait until I told a few more people. So now I can share my news.

Phil is going to be working on a project for the MGM Grand in Las Vegas in August for a few weeks, and he asked me if I would like to join him up there. He gets a lot of freebies, including free room at the MGM, free food, free gas, free shows, etc. So we would really just need to pay for my expenses.

At the same time, my mom and I had been racking our brains on how we were going to pay for a wedding. I don't come from money, and weddings these days are just so expensive and no matter how long we wait, there is just not going to be enough money for anything. So mom suggested that since we were already in Vegas, why not get married then.

So Phil and I talked about it, and we decided that we are going to get married in August in Las Vegas. I don't have a date yet, because right now we don't know when he is going to have to be there for start work, but August it is! The only thing that I don't like about this situation is that my parents won't be able to be there, because they won't be able to get the time off from their work, but we are going to have the ceremony broadcast online via webcam, so at least my family and friends will be able to watch it that way.

I've already start preparing. I bought him a wedding present the other day, and I also got his wedding ring. And today I found a very nice dress that will be perfect and ordered it.

I know some of you are going to think, and have even told me, that this seems a little soon, but it feels right. We know we want to get married, if we didn't we wouldn't have gotten engaged. Its just better cost-wise for us to do it this way, plus we're already going to be in Vegas for awhile, so might as well have some fun and get married while we're there.

We are both really happy and excited about this. I hope that all my family and friends will be happy for us as well, and support us. I know you all worry about me, and want the best for me, but I have found it in Phil. I am not getting married to him because I don't want to be alone, but because he enhances my life and brings something to it that I have been missing. And this just feels right, when I look at him I know in my heart that I am meant to spend the rest of my life with him. I never used to believe in soul mates, but now, I do.

Wait a minute, this isn't my bed!

When I have a lot on my mind, I tend to dream about it, a lot. And last night, was one of those nights.

From the minute my eyes closed, the dreams started. They were all good dreams, luckily, but they were the kind of dreams where they are so involved, its like watching a 3-hour movie and when you finally do wake up from it, you feel as groggy as you do walking out of a dark movie theater.

Ever had the dream where you need to pee, but for the life of you, there is just no bathroom in sight? Or when you find one, you can't pee because there is some sort of distraction going on, only to wake up and having to piss like a racehorse? I woke up at 3am after have a "Pee Dream", and was so groggy I could barely make it out of bed, let alone to the bathroom, but I did.

So as I am doing my business, I start thinking about the weird dream I just woke up from, trying to make sense of it. The next thing I know, am looking around the bathroom wondering where the hell I am!

Yes boys and girls, I fell asleep on the toilet! It was only for about 5 minutes or so, but still, that's a special kind of tired right there! I crawl back into bed, and immediately fell back asleep, getting into such a deep sleep that I didn't even hear my phone go off when Phil text me to say good morning.

Has this ever happened to anyone else? Or is this yet another thing that happens just to me?

Also...I have some news to blog about, but I need to tell a few more people before I blog about it, so stay tuned!

Just be happy for me

I love being engaged. There is something so great, so exciting, about looking at the person your going to marry and knowing you are going to spend the rest of your life with that person. It fills me with a sense of joy and happiness I have never experienced before.

Last night Phil and I did nothing but have dinner and just hang out for hours, and it was the most fun I have had in a long time. There was nothing real exciting about it, nothing spectacular happened. It was just he and I, spending time together as a couple, laughing and talking. At one point this kid came up asking to use one of our cell phones, and he asked Phil if I was his wife and he said yes, and looked at me and winked. It felt good, it felt right.

A few of my online friends lately have been telling me that this is all happening too fast. That I am being too impulsive, that I can't possibly be feeling what I am feeling. That something must be wrong with the both of us to want to jump into a marriage so quickly. But they don't know us, the chemistry and the dynamic between us. They can't possibly understand the feelings we have, and how when you meet the right person, something just clicks and you just know, they are the one.

I wish that people could just be happy for me, for us, instead of passing judgement on every turn. Maybe we are being impulsive, but maybe it's because we've been out there, we've dated every type of person, we've been through hell and back, and we know what we want and need from a partner. And we've found it in each other. I can honestly say there is nothing that would make me want to go back to dating again. What I have been looking for, resides in Phil, and when I look at him, I see my future. I know people don't understand that. But you don't have to understand, just be happy for us. I am tired of hearing about how I've had a bad track record when it comes to relationships. So what! That's in the past, I have learned from it, and I have moved on. Everything that happened in my past, is just that, the past. It will stay with me, it has made me who I am today, but I don't live my life based on the mistakes and unfortunate circumstances I have been in.

I've been dealt a hard hand in life. From a young age I have dealt with a debilitating disease that has kept me from doing many things I wanted to do. But I have never let it stop me. I've had fallings out with members of my family, I have lost the ability to walk, and I have been dicked around by men. And the whole time, I have kept up a positive attitude, or tried to. And all around me, my friends and acquaintances were getting married and starting their families, and building a home. And finally, its my turn. My turn to have what I have always wanted, which is a family with a wonderful and amazing man. All I ask is that people just be happy for us. If you can't be happy for us, then please, don't bother saying anything at all. I refuse to let other people's negative comments ruin what is the happiest time of my life.