Whenever my mom has a negative thought, my dad has always told her that you should never say those negative thoughts outloud, because what comes out of your mouth will become truth. If you speak the negative, the Devil hears you, and that negative happens.
Today, my dad and I were discussing my mom, and the current state of her health, and anxious about what the doctor will say to us tomorrow. It is so easy to go right to the negative, thinking of the ultimate choice that we might have to make and how we make it, instead of just going right to the positive. I belive the Devil works us, and puts these negative thoughts into our head to sabatoge us. He gets joy from watching us go through pain, and watching us endure tragedy. It's so easy for me to feel as though my mom is already gone from us, as though she will not pull through this current ordeal. So much is against her, so many things are ravaging her body, and I suppose we always go right to the negative in order to protect ourselves, so we can be completely prepared for it.
The Devil has been working on me hard, especially today. The negative thoughts clouded my judgement so much last night that I did not to bed until 6am, and then was up at 7:45a with my little one. That tiredness I was feeling, that mental exhaustion, just brought those negative thoughts even more into my head. I decided tonight, though, that enough is enough. I need to rebuke this Devil in the name of Jesus. I will not listen to those negative thoughts that try to creep into my head. I must think postive, and in order for the postive to happen, I must speak the postive out loud.
Tonight I pray for my mom. I have postive thoughts that she is going to pull through this, that her kidneys start working, she is able to start breathing on her own. That her body is healed by the grace of God through all of her infirmities, and that she comes home to us. Because I speak this out loud, I must feel in my heart that this will be truth. Tomorrow I go to the hospital to see her, and having to see her on a ventilator is not something I want to see again, nor would she want me to see her like that. But her and I need to have a private talk. I am going to sit down next to her bedside and speak to her so frankly. I am going to tell her that she is a warrior, a fighter. That she needs to work hard to fight the evil in her body and that she is going to come home to us and that we will have so much more time together. I know she is sedated, but I just have a feeling that whereever she is in her subconcious, she is going to hear me and know what I am telling her.
I say this outloud, therefore, it must come true.
About Me
- Kimbo Central
- San Tan Valley, AZ, United States
- A wife and mommy to a beautiful three year old son, blogging about being a mommy, and taking care of my family.
Showing posts with label Kimbo Mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kimbo Mom. Show all posts
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Update on where I've been
I had really high hopes that 2012 was going to be a much better year then 2011. I found a home to rent that my parents could move into with us so that they wouldn't be burdened by finances since my Dad is no longer able to work, and may possible need a heart transplant. We went into the year thinking that we would be able to get him on the list, start getting his health back on track, and I felt great knowing that I was going to be able to help my mom with taking care of him, and also just being back with my mom again. Her and I are best friends, and while most people wouldn't dream of living with their mom, I am totally in love with it. Her and I are like two peas in a pod.
However, things changed dramatically at the very first of the year. My mom has had health problems for several years. She has diabetes, and a hernia she had from a gall bladder surgery that we thought was giving her a lot of pain. She also had a period pretty much constantly for the past five years, but being stubborn, and afraid, she never went to the doctor, and figured she just had fibroids. The past year, her health has declined so much, she was tired all the time, no energy, always felt sick. She would say I bet I have cancer, and I'd say whatever Mom.
At the end of December, she began bleeding heavily, to the point where she was sitting in the bathtub for one to three hours with just blood gushing from her vagina, along with blood clots. After three days of this, and watching her get sicker, I finally scared her and told her she was going to bleed out if she didn't get into the hospital immediately. After tests, and being transferred down to Good Sam in Phoenix where they had the best gynecological oncology doctor, they believed she had cancer. The bleeding got worse, her pain got worse, and on January 1st they did a complete hysterectomy on her, along with removing her hernia. Her uterus was three to four times the size it should have been, with a very large tumor, tumors in her cervix, and her ovaries compromised. She had Stage 3 Endometerial Cancer, but her prognosis at that time was good. They would do chemo, then radiation, then chemo, and the doctor was optimistic that she would do very well.
However, upon returning home from that surgery, her pain worsened, especially on her left lower side. She had been having pain in that area for the past six months, but always attributed it to menstrual cramps. Then pain was getting worse, and she went back into the hospital. It was then that they discovered a tumor on her bladder, and come to the discovery that the cancer had spread into her lymph node system. She was urinating blood, and a stint was placed in her left ureter to help relieve pressure. They wanted to start radiation treatments in the hospital, but they sent her home instead. A treatment plan was set into place, where she would receive radiation 5 days a week for 7 weeks, along with chemo once a week for 12 weeks, to treat this cancer aggressively. Her cancer had moved to Stage 4. Back home with us she went.
My poor mom's health has been declining more and more with each passing week, it seems as though doing the hysterectomy angered the cancer to make it spread, and is just attacking her body. She would just sit in her recliner here, sleeping on and off because she is on two different morphine medications to help with pain, and couldn't even really carry on a conversation, or even play with her grandson, who is just her whole world. A few night ago, the worst hit. She woke up from a nap around dinner time, and was very unresponsive, saying only a few words here and there, and we called 911. Her blood sugar was at 21, which is something that never has happened with her, normally her sugars run high. Off to Good Sam again, where she was placed in ICU in order to have her blood sugar monitored every 15 minutes, and was given basically pure sugar constantly, but her numbers kept being so low. It was determined that her kidneys were swollen, and with her ureters being blocked do to pressure from the tumor on her bladder and pressure from the cancer in the lymph nodes, they just weren't functioning normally and a medication she has been on for years will attack the kidneys when they are compromised and cause the lowering of the blood sugar.
Two days ago my dad and I saw her, and she was hallucinating, and very disoriented, which they believed was just from lack of sleep and the morphine. She would think people were in the room with her, and when they did an MRI on her brain to ensure that the cancer hadn't spread there (it hasn't), she thought they were trying to kill her. Her doctor had her go down to have a procedure to put a stint in her right ureter and she refused thinking they were going to hurt her, and we were called down to calm her down, but it didn't work.
The next morning, yesterday, we first received a call from a kidney specialist who told us that her kidney's were failing, and they would need to start dialysis. 20 minutes later her nurse was calling telling us that she was in acute kidney failure, she was having trouble breathing on her own, and needed to be placed on a ventilator immediately. I found out later that during the procedures of trying to get her ventilated, she did code out on them, and they were very close to losing her, but they got her stabilized. They put a catheter in her neck for dialysis, and because she vomited trying to put the tube in her throat and lungs, food particles entered into her lungs and they started her on antibiotics because she will get pneumonia from that.
My husband and I went up to see her yesterday afternoon, and I wasn't sure how I was going to handle seeing her on life support. I guess the grace of God was with me because they were doing dialysis when we went up there, and with all the machines, I wasn't able to get into the room with my chair. Phil went in though, and he said it was good I couldn't get into the room, because it looked like she had really gone through it. I saw her from outside the ICU window though, and it broke my heart. The nurse was explaining what was happening, and I feel as though I couldn't comprehend all of it, because my eyes kept just looking at her so helpless, and I would have given anything in that moment to trade places with her, and take it all away from her.
Today they placed the stint in her right ureter, and did dialysis again, and they will also do it tomorrow. They are hoping to get her off the ventilator, but after doing a blood gas tonight, they had to increase the ventilation. Hopefully her blood gas levels will improve, so they can decrease the ventilation. The nurse told me tonight that her oncologist wants to have a meeting with my dad and I on Friday, and I am very nervous. I can hope and pray that he just wants to touch base with us about her condition, and is optimistic, but there is a large part that worries the meeting will go the other way, and we may be forced to make a decision that none of us want to make.
I've stepped away from my blogging because I've been so busy with our move, taking care of my family, and now everything that has happened with my mom. I know I have family and friends to talk to, and for support, but there has always been something very therapeutic for me in writing out my feelings, because when I just can't talk to anyone, when it is too hard for me to get my feelings out, when I just can't keep putting on a brave front, I know I can come here and just talk it out.
I know I have family who reads my blog, and this is such a hard time for all of us. I hope you understand my need to vent here, and never get upset about anything I may write. I just need this. I put on the brave face, and the strong exterior, because I have always been on to take care of everyone else around me, but I am crumbling. I am drowning. This is the one thing I just can't handle. Without her to talk to right now, I am alone. She always knows how to make it better, to calm me down, to tell me everything is going to be alright and we'll make it through this. She knows how to make this better for me, but she can't right now. She is lying by herself right now on life support, and I just want to sit there with her 24/7 so she isn't alone and scared. I know she is sedated, but I have always taken care of her, and now I just can't. There is nothing I can do, and I just sit and wait, and I want to throw things, I want to yell, I want to get mad, I want to cry all day and just lay in bed all day. But this is not how she'd want me to be right now, especially with the baby to take care of. So I have my down moments in bed at night, like now, and in the morning, when I hopefully have slept a few hours, I put on a happy face for my beautiful son and try to make it okay for everyone.
We just need to keep praying. God is with her, wrapping His healing arms around her, and she just has to improve. She just has to.
However, things changed dramatically at the very first of the year. My mom has had health problems for several years. She has diabetes, and a hernia she had from a gall bladder surgery that we thought was giving her a lot of pain. She also had a period pretty much constantly for the past five years, but being stubborn, and afraid, she never went to the doctor, and figured she just had fibroids. The past year, her health has declined so much, she was tired all the time, no energy, always felt sick. She would say I bet I have cancer, and I'd say whatever Mom.
At the end of December, she began bleeding heavily, to the point where she was sitting in the bathtub for one to three hours with just blood gushing from her vagina, along with blood clots. After three days of this, and watching her get sicker, I finally scared her and told her she was going to bleed out if she didn't get into the hospital immediately. After tests, and being transferred down to Good Sam in Phoenix where they had the best gynecological oncology doctor, they believed she had cancer. The bleeding got worse, her pain got worse, and on January 1st they did a complete hysterectomy on her, along with removing her hernia. Her uterus was three to four times the size it should have been, with a very large tumor, tumors in her cervix, and her ovaries compromised. She had Stage 3 Endometerial Cancer, but her prognosis at that time was good. They would do chemo, then radiation, then chemo, and the doctor was optimistic that she would do very well.
However, upon returning home from that surgery, her pain worsened, especially on her left lower side. She had been having pain in that area for the past six months, but always attributed it to menstrual cramps. Then pain was getting worse, and she went back into the hospital. It was then that they discovered a tumor on her bladder, and come to the discovery that the cancer had spread into her lymph node system. She was urinating blood, and a stint was placed in her left ureter to help relieve pressure. They wanted to start radiation treatments in the hospital, but they sent her home instead. A treatment plan was set into place, where she would receive radiation 5 days a week for 7 weeks, along with chemo once a week for 12 weeks, to treat this cancer aggressively. Her cancer had moved to Stage 4. Back home with us she went.
My poor mom's health has been declining more and more with each passing week, it seems as though doing the hysterectomy angered the cancer to make it spread, and is just attacking her body. She would just sit in her recliner here, sleeping on and off because she is on two different morphine medications to help with pain, and couldn't even really carry on a conversation, or even play with her grandson, who is just her whole world. A few night ago, the worst hit. She woke up from a nap around dinner time, and was very unresponsive, saying only a few words here and there, and we called 911. Her blood sugar was at 21, which is something that never has happened with her, normally her sugars run high. Off to Good Sam again, where she was placed in ICU in order to have her blood sugar monitored every 15 minutes, and was given basically pure sugar constantly, but her numbers kept being so low. It was determined that her kidneys were swollen, and with her ureters being blocked do to pressure from the tumor on her bladder and pressure from the cancer in the lymph nodes, they just weren't functioning normally and a medication she has been on for years will attack the kidneys when they are compromised and cause the lowering of the blood sugar.
Two days ago my dad and I saw her, and she was hallucinating, and very disoriented, which they believed was just from lack of sleep and the morphine. She would think people were in the room with her, and when they did an MRI on her brain to ensure that the cancer hadn't spread there (it hasn't), she thought they were trying to kill her. Her doctor had her go down to have a procedure to put a stint in her right ureter and she refused thinking they were going to hurt her, and we were called down to calm her down, but it didn't work.
The next morning, yesterday, we first received a call from a kidney specialist who told us that her kidney's were failing, and they would need to start dialysis. 20 minutes later her nurse was calling telling us that she was in acute kidney failure, she was having trouble breathing on her own, and needed to be placed on a ventilator immediately. I found out later that during the procedures of trying to get her ventilated, she did code out on them, and they were very close to losing her, but they got her stabilized. They put a catheter in her neck for dialysis, and because she vomited trying to put the tube in her throat and lungs, food particles entered into her lungs and they started her on antibiotics because she will get pneumonia from that.
My husband and I went up to see her yesterday afternoon, and I wasn't sure how I was going to handle seeing her on life support. I guess the grace of God was with me because they were doing dialysis when we went up there, and with all the machines, I wasn't able to get into the room with my chair. Phil went in though, and he said it was good I couldn't get into the room, because it looked like she had really gone through it. I saw her from outside the ICU window though, and it broke my heart. The nurse was explaining what was happening, and I feel as though I couldn't comprehend all of it, because my eyes kept just looking at her so helpless, and I would have given anything in that moment to trade places with her, and take it all away from her.
Today they placed the stint in her right ureter, and did dialysis again, and they will also do it tomorrow. They are hoping to get her off the ventilator, but after doing a blood gas tonight, they had to increase the ventilation. Hopefully her blood gas levels will improve, so they can decrease the ventilation. The nurse told me tonight that her oncologist wants to have a meeting with my dad and I on Friday, and I am very nervous. I can hope and pray that he just wants to touch base with us about her condition, and is optimistic, but there is a large part that worries the meeting will go the other way, and we may be forced to make a decision that none of us want to make.
I've stepped away from my blogging because I've been so busy with our move, taking care of my family, and now everything that has happened with my mom. I know I have family and friends to talk to, and for support, but there has always been something very therapeutic for me in writing out my feelings, because when I just can't talk to anyone, when it is too hard for me to get my feelings out, when I just can't keep putting on a brave front, I know I can come here and just talk it out.
I know I have family who reads my blog, and this is such a hard time for all of us. I hope you understand my need to vent here, and never get upset about anything I may write. I just need this. I put on the brave face, and the strong exterior, because I have always been on to take care of everyone else around me, but I am crumbling. I am drowning. This is the one thing I just can't handle. Without her to talk to right now, I am alone. She always knows how to make it better, to calm me down, to tell me everything is going to be alright and we'll make it through this. She knows how to make this better for me, but she can't right now. She is lying by herself right now on life support, and I just want to sit there with her 24/7 so she isn't alone and scared. I know she is sedated, but I have always taken care of her, and now I just can't. There is nothing I can do, and I just sit and wait, and I want to throw things, I want to yell, I want to get mad, I want to cry all day and just lay in bed all day. But this is not how she'd want me to be right now, especially with the baby to take care of. So I have my down moments in bed at night, like now, and in the morning, when I hopefully have slept a few hours, I put on a happy face for my beautiful son and try to make it okay for everyone.
We just need to keep praying. God is with her, wrapping His healing arms around her, and she just has to improve. She just has to.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Flare Time
Last night I had a really terrible arthritis flare, one like I haven't had in a long time.
Phil and I had plans to go fishing last night for catfish at the lake, but about two hours before we were supposed to go I started not feeling well. I told him to go on without me though, because there was nothing he could do to help me and my mom was here if I needed anything, and I was starting to feel better, but just thought it was best to rest.
About ten minutes after he left, I was in the kitchen helping my mom finish dinner, when my knees started to swell up and throb, and the pain went up my leg. And it go to the point where during dinner, the rest of my body started swelling up and getting very stiff and sore, and I could barely feed myself dinner because my hands and arms hurt so bad.
After dinner I decided to lay down in my bed, and took my anti-inflammatory pill and my muscle relaxer that I normally use for back pain. I laid down in bed and started getting the chills, which I knew right then that I was having an arthritis flare up. My temperature gets high and I get the chills because my body is fighting off the flare. I found some Advil as I was out of the Tylenol I normally take, and was able to get a few hours sleep, and when I woke up, I was drenched in sweat, which is what I wanted because then I knew my fever broke and I would start feeling better soon.
I was finally able to get to sleep around midnight and Phil came home from fishing around 6am and was so sad to hear what I had gone through during the night, but I was actually glad that I was by myself because when I get that sick like that, I really just want to be left alone and ride it out because I just like to be miserable by myself. That's why I didn't let him know I was going through such a hard time, plus my mom was here if I did need anything.
When I woke up this morning, my body was feeling so much better. Most of the time, by the next morning, I am feeling back to normal. But the index finger on my right hand was very swollen and tight feeling, and it has not changed all day. I have been putting ice on it to see if I could get the swelling to go down, and it hasn't. So if it is still the same way tomorrow, then I am going to call my arthritis doctor and let him know and see if he has any suggestions as to how to fix it, or see if he needs to see me. Phil is really worried about my finger being like this, as is my mom, and they don't want to see this finger turn into anything worse, but I really just feel like it is the last of my flare and keeping ice on it until I go to bed tonight will help the swelling go down in the night.
Brandi was such a good dog last night though. I really think she can sense that I wasn't feeling well. Her and I have gotten really close, I think mainly because I have really been working with her, training her on behavior and walking on the leash without pulling, and during the day when Phil is working it is just me and her hanging out, because with the weather above 100 degrees, I no longer keep her outside after noon. But last night she sat either right at my feet or up toward my head, sleeping with me and making sure I was OK, and sometimes just staring at me and putting a paw on me to let me know she was there. Even now, as I write this, she is laying on the pillow I have my laptop on just starting at me, I suppose to let me know she is here in case she needs me. I really lucked out in finding her at the Humane Society, she has really turned out to be an amazing dog, and companion.
Phil and I had plans to go fishing last night for catfish at the lake, but about two hours before we were supposed to go I started not feeling well. I told him to go on without me though, because there was nothing he could do to help me and my mom was here if I needed anything, and I was starting to feel better, but just thought it was best to rest.
About ten minutes after he left, I was in the kitchen helping my mom finish dinner, when my knees started to swell up and throb, and the pain went up my leg. And it go to the point where during dinner, the rest of my body started swelling up and getting very stiff and sore, and I could barely feed myself dinner because my hands and arms hurt so bad.
After dinner I decided to lay down in my bed, and took my anti-inflammatory pill and my muscle relaxer that I normally use for back pain. I laid down in bed and started getting the chills, which I knew right then that I was having an arthritis flare up. My temperature gets high and I get the chills because my body is fighting off the flare. I found some Advil as I was out of the Tylenol I normally take, and was able to get a few hours sleep, and when I woke up, I was drenched in sweat, which is what I wanted because then I knew my fever broke and I would start feeling better soon.
I was finally able to get to sleep around midnight and Phil came home from fishing around 6am and was so sad to hear what I had gone through during the night, but I was actually glad that I was by myself because when I get that sick like that, I really just want to be left alone and ride it out because I just like to be miserable by myself. That's why I didn't let him know I was going through such a hard time, plus my mom was here if I did need anything.
When I woke up this morning, my body was feeling so much better. Most of the time, by the next morning, I am feeling back to normal. But the index finger on my right hand was very swollen and tight feeling, and it has not changed all day. I have been putting ice on it to see if I could get the swelling to go down, and it hasn't. So if it is still the same way tomorrow, then I am going to call my arthritis doctor and let him know and see if he has any suggestions as to how to fix it, or see if he needs to see me. Phil is really worried about my finger being like this, as is my mom, and they don't want to see this finger turn into anything worse, but I really just feel like it is the last of my flare and keeping ice on it until I go to bed tonight will help the swelling go down in the night.
Brandi was such a good dog last night though. I really think she can sense that I wasn't feeling well. Her and I have gotten really close, I think mainly because I have really been working with her, training her on behavior and walking on the leash without pulling, and during the day when Phil is working it is just me and her hanging out, because with the weather above 100 degrees, I no longer keep her outside after noon. But last night she sat either right at my feet or up toward my head, sleeping with me and making sure I was OK, and sometimes just staring at me and putting a paw on me to let me know she was there. Even now, as I write this, she is laying on the pillow I have my laptop on just starting at me, I suppose to let me know she is here in case she needs me. I really lucked out in finding her at the Humane Society, she has really turned out to be an amazing dog, and companion.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Work from Home...Is this a reality?
With the gas prices soaring, and the economy in an obvious recession (thanks President Bush), trying to work and make a living for yourself is coming to almost be down right impossible.
I am sitting here with Kimbo Mom, searching through different work possibilities. Kimbo Mom delivers for the local newspaper and with the gas prices now about $4.03 a gallon here (I am sure it is higher then that now since it goes up throughout the day), it is because evident that she may have to find something else so she can save on gas.
Which brought up the idea of work from home jobs. Searching through Google and Indeed.com, there are many work from home opportunities out there, but none of them seem legit. They either want you to pay a fee upfront to be able to access their elusive member area (which any job that makes you pay to work for them is a scam right off the bat), or there are jobs where they want you to call people and sell them things. And my favorite, the "Wellness Catalog", where you can sell wellness products online.
I'd love to get in on a work from home thing too, seeing as my disability payment doesn't make very much and getting caught up financially is one of my main goals right now.
So I ask you, faithful blog friends, do any of you know of any legit work from home opportunities? I'm sure I will get spammers who will search the blogs and add their comments advertising their crap, but from those who actually take the time out of their day to read this, I wonder if anyone knows of anything, or even of another type of work opportunity.
Just leave a comment with your ideas!
I am sitting here with Kimbo Mom, searching through different work possibilities. Kimbo Mom delivers for the local newspaper and with the gas prices now about $4.03 a gallon here (I am sure it is higher then that now since it goes up throughout the day), it is because evident that she may have to find something else so she can save on gas.
Which brought up the idea of work from home jobs. Searching through Google and Indeed.com, there are many work from home opportunities out there, but none of them seem legit. They either want you to pay a fee upfront to be able to access their elusive member area (which any job that makes you pay to work for them is a scam right off the bat), or there are jobs where they want you to call people and sell them things. And my favorite, the "Wellness Catalog", where you can sell wellness products online.
I'd love to get in on a work from home thing too, seeing as my disability payment doesn't make very much and getting caught up financially is one of my main goals right now.
So I ask you, faithful blog friends, do any of you know of any legit work from home opportunities? I'm sure I will get spammers who will search the blogs and add their comments advertising their crap, but from those who actually take the time out of their day to read this, I wonder if anyone knows of anything, or even of another type of work opportunity.
Just leave a comment with your ideas!
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