A Sad Day

This time last year, I was in the hospital with a severe kidney infection that the doctors said if left untreated, could have killed me. Scary to think of how close I was to losing my life just a year ago, and then to see here, a year later, how things have changed. Phil and I got married, we have a beautiful new home, and I am working away at my little greeter job.

But what makes this a sad day for me is that it was a year ago today that I lost Peanut, which is what I called my baby. While I was in the hospital with my kidney infection, I had a miscarriage. I was 7 weeks along. It was, undoubtedly, the worst day of my life, and one that I think of constantly. I spent the entire day in terrible pain, and with incredible guilt and sadness. At the time, I felt I was the reason I lost our baby, that I didn't take good care of myself or the baby, or I had done something bad in my life to make me deserve what was happening to me.

Phil was great with me that day, he never blamed me, he just made sure I was OK, and I felt and saw his sadness as well. In fact, to this day, it is really something we don't talk about, because it is painful. But we both know what today was. There really isn't a point in dwelling over it and making ourselves upset.

It took me awhile to finally realize that it wasn't my fault for the miscarriage, that I was very sick and the baby was so fragile, and that it was nature's way. As my doctor said, every women has at least one miscarriage in her life. I've come to the point now where I've accepted what happened, that is happened for a reason, and one day we will be reunited in Heaven together. They say that when you have a miscarriage or lose a child, it goes with God and God will protect it and raise it for you until you can meet again. I can't think of a better person to be looking over my child.

I'm not as sad as I thought I would be today. I haven't shed a tear, just been reflective, and wondering what life would be like today if this day hadn't turned out the way it did a year ago. But I think of my Peanut on a daily basis, especially when I see kids coming in to work. It is a grieving process, and I know that I will always think of Peanut and what they would have been like. I may not openly talk about it all the time, because it is private to me, but that baby will always have a special place in my heart, and has forever changed me. It made me realize how badly I want to be a mom, and how wonderful an experience it is to know you have a little one growing inside you. I'm at the point where I feel very ready to experience that again and I know that one day we will when the time is right.