A Sad Day

This time last year, I was in the hospital with a severe kidney infection that the doctors said if left untreated, could have killed me. Scary to think of how close I was to losing my life just a year ago, and then to see here, a year later, how things have changed. Phil and I got married, we have a beautiful new home, and I am working away at my little greeter job.

But what makes this a sad day for me is that it was a year ago today that I lost Peanut, which is what I called my baby. While I was in the hospital with my kidney infection, I had a miscarriage. I was 7 weeks along. It was, undoubtedly, the worst day of my life, and one that I think of constantly. I spent the entire day in terrible pain, and with incredible guilt and sadness. At the time, I felt I was the reason I lost our baby, that I didn't take good care of myself or the baby, or I had done something bad in my life to make me deserve what was happening to me.

Phil was great with me that day, he never blamed me, he just made sure I was OK, and I felt and saw his sadness as well. In fact, to this day, it is really something we don't talk about, because it is painful. But we both know what today was. There really isn't a point in dwelling over it and making ourselves upset.

It took me awhile to finally realize that it wasn't my fault for the miscarriage, that I was very sick and the baby was so fragile, and that it was nature's way. As my doctor said, every women has at least one miscarriage in her life. I've come to the point now where I've accepted what happened, that is happened for a reason, and one day we will be reunited in Heaven together. They say that when you have a miscarriage or lose a child, it goes with God and God will protect it and raise it for you until you can meet again. I can't think of a better person to be looking over my child.

I'm not as sad as I thought I would be today. I haven't shed a tear, just been reflective, and wondering what life would be like today if this day hadn't turned out the way it did a year ago. But I think of my Peanut on a daily basis, especially when I see kids coming in to work. It is a grieving process, and I know that I will always think of Peanut and what they would have been like. I may not openly talk about it all the time, because it is private to me, but that baby will always have a special place in my heart, and has forever changed me. It made me realize how badly I want to be a mom, and how wonderful an experience it is to know you have a little one growing inside you. I'm at the point where I feel very ready to experience that again and I know that one day we will when the time is right.

Where I've been and sad news

First off, let me apologize for not being online and blogging, but things have been pretty difficult here around Kimbo Central.

Two weeks ago I started having some pain in my lower right side, where my kidney's are. The pain kept getting worse to the point where I couldn't lay down, sit, and eventually I was unable to keep down any food or liquids. Phil took me into the ER, where it turned out I had a serious, raging kidney infection, to the point where if I had waited a few more days before coming into the hospital, it would have killed me. I was admitted and since I was so dehydrated, I was put on IV fluids and antibiotics.

On Tuesday morning, around 4am, I started bleeding and after an ultrasound and exam, we found out I was having a miscarriage. Luckily, I was still in the hospital at the time, but it was the worst experience I have ever gone through. I spent the entire day cramping and bleeding until that evening, when I was able to get into surgery and have a DNC, where they scrap your uterus.

I finally was able to come home on Thursday, and the doctor said that it is going to take about three weeks for me to get back on my feet again. I have no energy whatsoever and spend most of the time laying on the couch resting and catching a nap or two during the day. Phil has been really good, taking care of me, and I am on antibiotics which are helping the infection in my kidney's go away completely (they think I had a stone that I passed, which caused the infection), and also on iron pills, since I lost so much blood with the miscarriage.

As for that, this has had to be the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Even though I was only 7 weeks along, it was still our child, and we loved it very much. We were so looking forward to being parents and were so happy about being pregnant. It is definitely a loss, and one we are dealing with. We've each had our moments, and even though I went through a period where I thought it was my fault, it wasn't. The doctor said that every women has at least one miscarriage in her life, and that this is the body and nature's way of taking care of something that wasn't right. We will have a baby in the future, we know this. It just wasn't the right time right now, and as hard as it is to deal with, at least our baby is in a better place.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me out through all of this, and been there for me. If you don't see me blogging a lot, it is because I am doing a lot of resting to get better. But I am still here, and getting better everyday.

Peanut

It is truly amazing how your life can change in an instant. How when your least expecting it, things happen in your life that make can either make your world a better place. For me, there are two instances in which I can look back and say my life changed in that instant. The first was the first day Phil and I met, in person. The minute I looked at him and he smiled at me, I knew my life would forever be different and better because he was a part of it and I was right, life hasn't been the same since that day, and I wouldn't change it for the world. The second time that happened to me was Oct. 24, 2007, when the pregnancy test came up positive.

That's right, blog friends, Kimbo is expecting a little one. My cycle was supposed to start on Oct. 23rd, and it isn't rare for me to either be early, or be late. But something felt different this month, and Phil ran off to get me a test, even though I figured I should wait a week before doing so. I took the test, which frankly is sort of degrading, sitting there peeing on a damn stick, but I did it and immediately a plus sign started forming. I sat there, shaking, not believing my eyes. It wasn't a faint line, it was a very visible "Your knocked up" plus sign, and I took the test out to Phil. He looked at it and I saw his eyes water and a shocked, yet happy look on his face and he got up and started dancing around, calling all his family and friends. I called just my mom, and decided to wait to a week and take another test, just to be sure.

A week later, on a Wednesday morning, I took another test, with the same result. It was official. I know people say it is bad luck to tell people during your first trimester, but I am excited and I want to share my news with the people I care about most, because if God forbid something does happen (which I am praying it doesn't), it is those people who I want at my side supporting me.

It seems that there are some people who are not happy about this news. I understand the concern over money and the fact that right now Phil's job isn't always steady, such that happens when working in the construction business. I know some would have liked to see us wait and be married for a year before starting a family, and although that is ideal, sometimes things happen. And I know others worry about my arthritis and whether I am going to be able to care for my child once it is born. And I appreciate every one's worries and concerns, but I wish people seemed to be a little more happy for us. Having a child is truly a blessing in my eyes, and something that I have always wanted. As far back as I can remember it has been my dream to have a family of my own, and I know that not only will I be a good mother, but that Phil is going to be an excellent father. It is at this time that although I know people have concerns, I wish I could get a little more support and happiness and well-wishes, instead of hearing nothing but negative comments, or no comments at all.

At this moment, according to the first day of my last period, I am 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant. My first prenatal visit is Nov. 15th, at which we will have our first ultrasound and get to hear the heartbeat. I am doing pretty well, my breasts are very very tender, and I have had some nausea, and my sense of smell is definitely heightend. And my boobs seems to get bigger by the day (which really isn't a bad thing), and I can cry at the drop of the hat, or turn into the biggest bitch with no notice (which is not a good thing). I am also really tired all the time. Some days I find I have the energy to clean up around here, while other days, like today, I just feel like napping all day long and doing absolutely nothing.

Phil is really getting into the whole thing. There is a website called www.babycenter.com, which when you sign up, it will send you an update each week telling your what week you are in, how your baby is developing that week, and what is going on with you. Each Saturday we get the new email update, and he will sit right next to me with his hand on my tummy while I read what's going on with the development, and also show him the picture they have of what the baby looks like that week. He sits there with a big grin on his face and tears in his eyes. He is a proud and happy daddy already, and I feel so very lucky to have him and have him be so involved.

Now, you might be wondering about the subject line of "Peanut". Well, since it is too soon to tell if it is a boy or a girl, I've been calling the baby Peanut, and Phil has now started calling the baby Peanut as well.

Well, enough of my ramblings for today. I know I haven't blogged in awhile, but it has been quite a busy time around here, and I haven't been online as much as I usually am, but now that things are getting back to normal around here I will be back to regular blogging, and video blogging as well. Until next time, bye blog friends!