Reality

My mom's doctor called us in for a meeting yesterday.  While sitting there staring at my mother, with the breathing tube down her throat, the ventilator, the constant kidney dialysis machine running, and so many other tubes and IV wires going into her that I lost count, he told us he is chasing his tail in treating her.  They have done everything that they can for her, but even if they can get her off the vent, or her  kidneys start to improve, the cancer within her is going to keep growing and spreading.  Basically, even if they could get her stable and fix even one or two things that is wrong with her, the cancer is going to take her over anyway because she isn't strong enough for cancer treatments. He asked us, if she could step out of the bed, stand where we were, looking at herself like that, is this what she would want for her?  Is this how she'd want to live out her life?

Reality hits you at that moment.  At least it did for me.  I am always the strong one in the family.  Mom always calls me the glue that keeps the family together.  As hard as this has been, I keep a strong, brave face when dealing with the family, in person, or in phone calls, because I want to be here for everyone, I want to make this better for everyone who is suffering.  Nights are the worst for me, when my husband is working, and my son and dad are asleep, and I am alone in my room.  That is when I have my moments, when I break down.  I feel like I need to do this in private, although I am not sure why.  It isn't like anyone who blame me for breaking down.  However, as reality hit me, straight in the face at 9am on a Wednesday morning, I couldn't hold it anymore.  I broke.  I crumbled.  I cried, I couldn't look the doctor in the face, I could no longer hear what he was saying.  All I did was look at her, laying there asleep, under heavy sedation, and tried to will her awake.  I prayed for a miracle.  Her eyes would open, and she would move around, and I kept thinking she was listening to this doctor tell us we had to  make a decision on whether to end her life, and how scared she must be, but the doctor said she was under heavy sedation and that she couldn't hear us, or knows what is going on, it is just reflexes. 

How do you make that decision, how do you decide if it is time to end someones life, when they aren't in the position to make that decision for themselves?  It would be great if she had a living will, where she stated this isn't what she wanted for herself.  Even better would be if she had the ability to tell us for herself if she is ready to go home to Jesus.  Things go through your mind, what if she would be mad at us?  What if she wants to keep holding on?  What if she is just screaming inside for us to let her go?  And selfishly, I think the main issue is, what do we all do without her?

A few weeks ago my mom had a vision.  She was alone in the living room, sitting her in recliner, and she said in front of her a vision came before her.  It was a meadow type place, with a big tree.  As she approached the tree, underneath was Jesus, and her father.  She stood under the tree with them, one of them of each side, and she said Jesus put his arm around her, and stroked her hair, and told her it was okay, he was with her.  They were both with her.  She told me that if something happens to her, I should take comfort in the fact that she will be under the tree with Jesus and he'll take care of her.  I've heard before that people have premonitions.  Sometimes people know when things are going to happen to them.  Maybe this is a sign she received, to know that she would be in Heaven, and she would safe in Jesus's arms.  That her father she loved so much would be with her again taking care of her as well.  I suppose that comforts me a bit, knowing that she will be where she wants to be, home with Jesus.  She'll have a healthy body, she'll feel no more pain, she'll be happy.  It just doesn't seem fair for us, the living.  How do I get through a day without her?  How do I get through life?  Will she watch over me?  How do I make decisions without her, or get through a bad day?  Who do I talk to, when I really need to confide in someone, when I really need someone to be there for me who understands me like no other? 

As much as I have family and friends around me to help me, love me, and support me, I've never been so alone in all my life.  And I always will be.