Rest in Peace

On March 2, 2012, at 1:50pm, my beautiful mother, Cynthia, went home to be with the Lord. 


As I last posted, her doctor had asked us to make a very hard decision as to whether or not she would want to live her life out in the hospital bed, hooked up to some many tubes and IVs, laying there on a ventilator because she was unable to breathe on her own, and on constant kidney dialysis because her kidneys had completely failed.  My dad wanted to take a few days to think over this decision, because ultimately, he was the one who was going to have to have the final say, and he wanted just some sort of glimmer of hope that she might pull through, or start improving.  The meeting with the family was on Wednesday, and Friday morning, we received a call from mom's nurse stating that it looked as though Mom had a massive heart attack, and they had been having a very tough time keeping her blood pressure up.  With this latest news, we knew that she had made this very hard decision for us. 


We gathered at the hospital, and they called in a chaplain to be there with us.  As I went into her room, I felt so dizzy and lightheaded.  While on Wednesday I had said to her what I needed to say to her to get in my goodbye's in case I didn't have a moment alone with her again, it all just felt surreal.  I keep thinking in my head that God was going to give us a miracle, she was going to wake from this.  But the nurse said even when they lowered her sedation, she wouldn't respond or move, even though she had been before.  It was just time for her to get peace.  Her body, her shell, was too sick, and her spirit I know must have been watching over us waiting to be released to Heaven.  But even though I knew she would be happy to go to Heaven, us who have to stay behind are selfish. 


We finally had to let her go, and I wish I could say it was a peaceful experience when we entered back into that room after they removed her breathing tube, but it wasn't.  Her eyes were wide open and her mouth wide open, and she seemed to be gasping for air.  While I know she wasn't suffering, and it was just her body doing what it needed to do, and she was probably already gone, it was just too much for me.  I thought I could handle anything, but this, no way.  I kissed her hand and I told her it was OK to go to Heaven, that I'd take care of everyone.  Then I just felt this overwhelming urge to throw up, and at the same time, just a force trying to get me turn around and not look at her.  I turned my chair as fast as I could so my back was to her, and the Chaplain prayed from Psalm 23.  Then, it was done.  Once I heard the monitors start beeping, I knew she was gone, and again I felt a force to just get out of the room, and my aunt Kelly helped me. 


I truly believe in that moment, Mom was there, watching over us.  I truly believe she knew I shouldn't be there for that, and she was protecting me by giving me that force to turn around and not see her die, and to get me out of that room so I wouldn't turn around and see her laying there.  I know that she knows I was not strong enough for that.  It gives me some peace in my heart to know that even as she was heading to Heaven, she thought enough to protect me. 


It has been seven days since my mom has passed.  I feel numb.  I feel like I stop myself from crying because I want to be strong for my family.  She always said I was the glue that held the family together, and I feel as though I need to be strong so they can grieve and have me to talk to, to help them through this.  I just don't want to deal with this.  I have a hard time believing I am never going to see my mom again, that I am never going to talk to her, touch her, hear her laugh.  The last month of her life she was so sick, and I think she knew that she was not long for this life, but she never made this known to me.  The last few days she was at home before going back into the hospital she didn't talk much really, slept a lot.  Didn't seem to want to carry on any kind of conversation.  In return, I tried not to be around her as much because she didn't look herself, she looked sick, and I think I knew, subconsciously, that she was dying, and I refused to face it.  Looking at her was so hard for me, I remember telling Phil on several occasions that I felt better when she wasn't home because then I didn't have to face how sick she was.  Now, I have regrets.  I should have talked to her more, I should have let her know that she could have talked to me openly.  However, I believe she just was trying to protect me again.  She knew how upset I was, and I think she kept it all to herself.  We talked about anything, but this was the only thing I don't think she felt she could talk to me about, and now I feel  bad. 


The chaplain asked us to tell her about my mom, a favorite memory, her personality.  Where do you even start with her.  My mother was the kindest, wisest, beautiful, smartest, and caring person I have ever known.  She always knew how to fix things, make things better.  She had wonderful advice, though I never always took it.  She had the best sense of humor, we'd laugh for hours.  She loved her family so much.  She'd always give and give, and never take anything in return.  She always felt she was a burden,  but she never was.  She never thought she was smart, but she knew so much.  She was the best mother.  She knew just how to have the perfect relationship with me in being  my mother, and my friend at the same time.  Honestly, I can look back at my childhood, and as I told her recently, I have no bad memories.  We always had fun, she always kept me safe, she always kept me fed and dressed with a roof over my head.  She was truly my other half.  It was as though we were always attached right at the hip.  There was never a day that we didn't see each other, or didn't talk. 


The thing I am happiest about is that I was able to give her a beautiful grandchild that was just her whole world these past two years.  She was so excited about being a grandma, and when he was born she even shook his hand and told him it was nice to meet him.  She said she felt they should have a formal introduction.  She was so funny like that.  She would do anything for this little boy, her face would just lit up every time she saw him.  She wanted to watch him grow up, and she wanted to teach him so many things.  He just loves her too, in fact a lot of times he used to call her mama, because was like another mommy to him.  The one thing she was most proud of though:  he has her nose, and she thought that was so cool..


My aunt said that I am made up of all the best parts of my mom, and I sure hope so.  I hope that I can do her proud in my life, and continue on traditions and such that she liked and would want us to do in her place.  I hope that I can continue her legacy of being such a good person, who takes care of everyone.  I hope I can be just half the mother to my son that she was to me, and that he will live on in her as well. 


I just have to figure out now how to live without my other half being with me.  Even with all my family and friends around me, I have never felt so alone in my whole life.  But, she is no longer suffering.  For that, I must be happy that she gets to be with the Lord, be with her father, and other family, and even the baby Phil and I lost a few years ago.  I couldn't ask for anyone better to be there taking care of that child until I am able to be reunited with them again someday.


I love you mommy, rest in peace my sweet girl.

Reality

My mom's doctor called us in for a meeting yesterday.  While sitting there staring at my mother, with the breathing tube down her throat, the ventilator, the constant kidney dialysis machine running, and so many other tubes and IV wires going into her that I lost count, he told us he is chasing his tail in treating her.  They have done everything that they can for her, but even if they can get her off the vent, or her  kidneys start to improve, the cancer within her is going to keep growing and spreading.  Basically, even if they could get her stable and fix even one or two things that is wrong with her, the cancer is going to take her over anyway because she isn't strong enough for cancer treatments. He asked us, if she could step out of the bed, stand where we were, looking at herself like that, is this what she would want for her?  Is this how she'd want to live out her life?

Reality hits you at that moment.  At least it did for me.  I am always the strong one in the family.  Mom always calls me the glue that keeps the family together.  As hard as this has been, I keep a strong, brave face when dealing with the family, in person, or in phone calls, because I want to be here for everyone, I want to make this better for everyone who is suffering.  Nights are the worst for me, when my husband is working, and my son and dad are asleep, and I am alone in my room.  That is when I have my moments, when I break down.  I feel like I need to do this in private, although I am not sure why.  It isn't like anyone who blame me for breaking down.  However, as reality hit me, straight in the face at 9am on a Wednesday morning, I couldn't hold it anymore.  I broke.  I crumbled.  I cried, I couldn't look the doctor in the face, I could no longer hear what he was saying.  All I did was look at her, laying there asleep, under heavy sedation, and tried to will her awake.  I prayed for a miracle.  Her eyes would open, and she would move around, and I kept thinking she was listening to this doctor tell us we had to  make a decision on whether to end her life, and how scared she must be, but the doctor said she was under heavy sedation and that she couldn't hear us, or knows what is going on, it is just reflexes. 

How do you make that decision, how do you decide if it is time to end someones life, when they aren't in the position to make that decision for themselves?  It would be great if she had a living will, where she stated this isn't what she wanted for herself.  Even better would be if she had the ability to tell us for herself if she is ready to go home to Jesus.  Things go through your mind, what if she would be mad at us?  What if she wants to keep holding on?  What if she is just screaming inside for us to let her go?  And selfishly, I think the main issue is, what do we all do without her?

A few weeks ago my mom had a vision.  She was alone in the living room, sitting her in recliner, and she said in front of her a vision came before her.  It was a meadow type place, with a big tree.  As she approached the tree, underneath was Jesus, and her father.  She stood under the tree with them, one of them of each side, and she said Jesus put his arm around her, and stroked her hair, and told her it was okay, he was with her.  They were both with her.  She told me that if something happens to her, I should take comfort in the fact that she will be under the tree with Jesus and he'll take care of her.  I've heard before that people have premonitions.  Sometimes people know when things are going to happen to them.  Maybe this is a sign she received, to know that she would be in Heaven, and she would safe in Jesus's arms.  That her father she loved so much would be with her again taking care of her as well.  I suppose that comforts me a bit, knowing that she will be where she wants to be, home with Jesus.  She'll have a healthy body, she'll feel no more pain, she'll be happy.  It just doesn't seem fair for us, the living.  How do I get through a day without her?  How do I get through life?  Will she watch over me?  How do I make decisions without her, or get through a bad day?  Who do I talk to, when I really need to confide in someone, when I really need someone to be there for me who understands me like no other? 

As much as I have family and friends around me to help me, love me, and support me, I've never been so alone in all my life.  And I always will be.

Say It Out Loud

Whenever my mom has a negative thought, my dad has always told her that you should never say those negative thoughts outloud, because what comes out of your mouth will become truth. If you speak the negative, the Devil hears you, and that negative happens.

Today, my dad and I were discussing my mom, and the current state of her health, and anxious about what the doctor will say to us tomorrow. It is so easy to go right to the negative, thinking of the ultimate choice that we might have to make and how we make it, instead of just going right to the positive. I belive the Devil works us, and puts these negative thoughts into our head to sabatoge us. He gets joy from watching us go through pain, and watching us endure tragedy. It's so easy for me to feel as though my mom is already gone from us, as though she will not pull through this current ordeal. So much is against her, so many things are ravaging her body, and I suppose we always go right to the negative in order to protect ourselves, so we can be completely prepared for it.

The Devil has been working on me hard, especially today. The negative thoughts clouded my judgement so much last night that I did not to bed until 6am, and then was up at 7:45a with my little one. That tiredness I was feeling, that mental exhaustion, just brought those negative thoughts even more into my head. I decided tonight, though, that enough is enough. I need to rebuke this Devil in the name of Jesus. I will not listen to those negative thoughts that try to creep into my head. I must think postive, and in order for the postive to happen, I must speak the postive out loud.

Tonight I pray for my mom. I have postive thoughts that she is going to pull through this, that her kidneys start working, she is able to start breathing on her own. That her body is healed by the grace of God through all of her infirmities, and that she comes home to us. Because I speak this out loud, I must feel in my heart that this will be truth. Tomorrow I go to the hospital to see her, and having to see her on a ventilator is not something I want to see again, nor would she want me to see her like that. But her and I need to have a private talk. I am going to sit down next to her bedside and speak to her so frankly. I am going to tell her that she is a warrior, a fighter. That she needs to work hard to fight the evil in her body and that she is going to come home to us and that we will have so much more time together. I know she is sedated, but I just have a feeling that whereever she is in her subconcious, she is going to hear me and know what I am telling her.

I say this outloud, therefore, it must come true.

Update on where I've been

I had really high hopes that 2012 was going to be a much better year then 2011. I found a home to rent that my parents could move into with us so that they wouldn't be burdened by finances since my Dad is no longer able to work, and may possible need a heart transplant. We went into the year thinking that we would be able to get him on the list, start getting his health back on track, and I felt great knowing that I was going to be able to help my mom with taking care of him, and also just being back with my mom again. Her and I are best friends, and while most people wouldn't dream of living with their mom, I am totally in love with it. Her and I are like two peas in a pod.

However, things changed dramatically at the very first of the year. My mom has had health problems for several years. She has diabetes, and a hernia she had from a gall bladder surgery that we thought was giving her a lot of pain. She also had a period pretty much constantly for the past five years, but being stubborn, and afraid, she never went to the doctor, and figured she just had fibroids. The past year, her health has declined so much, she was tired all the time, no energy, always felt sick. She would say I bet I have cancer, and I'd say whatever Mom.

At the end of December, she began bleeding heavily, to the point where she was sitting in the bathtub for one to three hours with just blood gushing from her vagina, along with blood clots. After three days of this, and watching her get sicker, I finally scared her and told her she was going to bleed out if she didn't get into the hospital immediately. After tests, and being transferred down to Good Sam in Phoenix where they had the best gynecological oncology doctor, they believed she had cancer. The bleeding got worse, her pain got worse, and on January 1st they did a complete hysterectomy on her, along with removing her hernia. Her uterus was three to four times the size it should have been, with a very large tumor, tumors in her cervix, and her ovaries compromised. She had Stage 3 Endometerial Cancer, but her prognosis at that time was good. They would do chemo, then radiation, then chemo, and the doctor was optimistic that she would do very well.

However, upon returning home from that surgery, her pain worsened, especially on her left lower side. She had been having pain in that area for the past six months, but always attributed it to menstrual cramps. Then pain was getting worse, and she went back into the hospital. It was then that they discovered a tumor on her bladder, and come to the discovery that the cancer had spread into her lymph node system. She was urinating blood, and a stint was placed in her left ureter to help relieve pressure. They wanted to start radiation treatments in the hospital, but they sent her home instead. A treatment plan was set into place, where she would receive radiation 5 days a week for 7 weeks, along with chemo once a week for 12 weeks, to treat this cancer aggressively. Her cancer had moved to Stage 4. Back home with us she went.

My poor mom's health has been declining more and more with each passing week, it seems as though doing the hysterectomy angered the cancer to make it spread, and is just attacking her body. She would just sit in her recliner here, sleeping on and off because she is on two different morphine medications to help with pain, and couldn't even really carry on a conversation, or even play with her grandson, who is just her whole world. A few night ago, the worst hit. She woke up from a nap around dinner time, and was very unresponsive, saying only a few words here and there, and we called 911. Her blood sugar was at 21, which is something that never has happened with her, normally her sugars run high. Off to Good Sam again, where she was placed in ICU in order to have her blood sugar monitored every 15 minutes, and was given basically pure sugar constantly, but her numbers kept being so low. It was determined that her kidneys were swollen, and with her ureters being blocked do to pressure from the tumor on her bladder and pressure from the cancer in the lymph nodes, they just weren't functioning normally and a medication she has been on for years will attack the kidneys when they are compromised and cause the lowering of the blood sugar.

Two days ago my dad and I saw her, and she was hallucinating, and very disoriented, which they believed was just from lack of sleep and the morphine. She would think people were in the room with her, and when they did an MRI on her brain to ensure that the cancer hadn't spread there (it hasn't), she thought they were trying to kill her. Her doctor had her go down to have a procedure to put a stint in her right ureter and she refused thinking they were going to hurt her, and we were called down to calm her down, but it didn't work.

The next morning, yesterday, we first received a call from a kidney specialist who told us that her kidney's were failing, and they would need to start dialysis. 20 minutes later her nurse was calling telling us that she was in acute kidney failure, she was having trouble breathing on her own, and needed to be placed on a ventilator immediately. I found out later that during the procedures of trying to get her ventilated, she did code out on them, and they were very close to losing her, but they got her stabilized. They put a catheter in her neck for dialysis, and because she vomited trying to put the tube in her throat and lungs, food particles entered into her lungs and they started her on antibiotics because she will get pneumonia from that.

My husband and I went up to see her yesterday afternoon, and I wasn't sure how I was going to handle seeing her on life support. I guess the grace of God was with me because they were doing dialysis when we went up there, and with all the machines, I wasn't able to get into the room with my chair. Phil went in though, and he said it was good I couldn't get into the room, because it looked like she had really gone through it. I saw her from outside the ICU window though, and it broke my heart. The nurse was explaining what was happening, and I feel as though I couldn't comprehend all of it, because my eyes kept just looking at her so helpless, and I would have given anything in that moment to trade places with her, and take it all away from her.

Today they placed the stint in her right ureter, and did dialysis again, and they will also do it tomorrow. They are hoping to get her off the ventilator, but after doing a blood gas tonight, they had to increase the ventilation. Hopefully her blood gas levels will improve, so they can decrease the ventilation. The nurse told me tonight that her oncologist wants to have a meeting with my dad and I on Friday, and I am very nervous. I can hope and pray that he just wants to touch base with us about her condition, and is optimistic, but there is a large part that worries the meeting will go the other way, and we may be forced to make a decision that none of us want to make.

I've stepped away from my blogging because I've been so busy with our move, taking care of my family, and now everything that has happened with my mom. I know I have family and friends to talk to, and for support, but there has always been something very therapeutic for me in writing out my feelings, because when I just can't talk to anyone, when it is too hard for me to get my feelings out, when I just can't keep putting on a brave front, I know I can come here and just talk it out.

I know I have family who reads my blog, and this is such a hard time for all of us. I hope you understand my need to vent here, and never get upset about anything I may write. I just need this. I put on the brave face, and the strong exterior, because I have always been on to take care of everyone else around me, but I am crumbling. I am drowning. This is the one thing I just can't handle. Without her to talk to right now, I am alone. She always knows how to make it better, to calm me down, to tell me everything is going to be alright and we'll make it through this. She knows how to make this better for me, but she can't right now. She is lying by herself right now on life support, and I just want to sit there with her 24/7 so she isn't alone and scared. I know she is sedated, but I have always taken care of her, and now I just can't. There is nothing I can do, and I just sit and wait, and I want to throw things, I want to yell, I want to get mad, I want to cry all day and just lay in bed all day. But this is not how she'd want me to be right now, especially with the baby to take care of. So I have my down moments in bed at night, like now, and in the morning, when I hopefully have slept a few hours, I put on a happy face for my beautiful son and try to make it okay for everyone.

We just need to keep praying. God is with her, wrapping His healing arms around her, and she just has to improve. She just has to.

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Patience is a Virtue

I used to be the most patient person I knew. Waiting in rush hour traffic never bothered me, standing in a long line was no big deal, or even waiting at the doctor's office was just a time for me to catch up on reading. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, I lost my patience. Now in my early 30's, there is nothing worse then being behind a slow driver, or sitting around waiting for your doctor when he should have been in the room twenty minutes ago. I can feel my blood pressure start to rise, I'll tap my foot in frustration, and sigh loudly.

As a parent now, I have found that my patience level has gone down even further. While everyone told me the first year was going to be the hardest, I found it to be a piece of cake! It is the toddler years that I am finding to be the struggle, and the source of losing my patience. I never take out my frustrations on my child, because it is not his fault that he whines for thirty minutes because I told him it is not safe to climb on the couch when mommy is not there with him, or because he doesn't want to eat the nice dinner I made for him. It also isn't his fault when he whines and cries about taking a nap, or going to bed. With lack of communication, he can't tell me what he really wants, and doesn't understand me when I tell him something isn't safe, or a no-no. But as calm as I am on the outside to him, on the inside I just feel my patience slipping, and I get frustrated and just want to leave the house and take a break.

I know I am not the only mother who feels this way, we all go through it, especially us stay at home mom's that deal with everything on our shoulders day in and day out. But I've come to realize that we cannot change these things, such as the slow driver in the fast lane, or the child who refuses to take a nap. Getting frustrated and impatience is only going to make the situation worse. I'm coming to understand that I just need to let go, and let God.

In Romans 12:12 it says: Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. When times feel as though they are getting to be too much to handle, when you feel your blood pressure start to rise and you feel like yelling and screaming, just take a minute, a deep breathe, and pray. Tell the Lord that the situation you are in is becoming more then you can handle, and you need peace and calmness. Give your worries over to the Lord, tell Him what you need and hand it over to Him. He wants to solve your troubles, He wants you to be at peace.

The other day I found myself in the position of losing my patience when my son was fighting me on nap time. I took a minute to myself in my room to take a deep breathe, and pray for peace. I felt a calmness come over me, and I was able to go into my son's room and I believe he felt the peace I had, because he settled down in my arms and was able to fall asleep for his nap.

Don't ever be ashamed to ask for the Lord's help when times are hard and we are suffering, for He is there for us. It is during these times of strife, and impatience, and frustration, that we can become closer to the Lord.


More then that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us Romans 5:3-5

Reconnecting with my Faith

There have been many times in my life where I have felt an urging to do something, an inner voice perhaps that sounded as though it was my own, but now, learning more about my faith in God, I realize that the voice I have been hearing is that of God speaking to me, giving me a path and direction for what I am meant to do. Many times, that voice in my head tells me that I need to spread the Word of God. When I see people speaking about God on television, such as preachers, or I read articles or devotionals, I often feel in my heart that I could do that, that I can use my talents in writing to share my faith with others. But I never do.

I suppose I have always been afraid to speak of my faith in the Lord. Like politics, people have different views and opinions and beliefs, and religion has become something that can cause either a common understand between people, or strife. I have always been a very non-confrontational person. Never want to say something that could upset anyone, never want to disagree. Even if someone says something that I do not agree with, or believe, I will just nod as though I do so I do not make waves. I have always felt uncomfortable speaking about the Lord, for reasons I just do not know. I suppose maybe someone will think I am a bible thumper, pushing my views on them whether it is wanted or not. Sometimes I even think I am ashamed, because there have been times recently when I have not been very strong in my faith, when I haven't prayed faithfully, when I haven't been a good Christian.

I've come to a point in my life recently, when it seems that one bad thing after another has happened to our family, that I realized the importance of rebuilding my faith in the Lord. When I prayed faithfully, when I had Him in my heart, things went well. What a difference it makes when you stray away from that! But no matter how far I strayed, God was always there, knocking on the door, silently waiting for me to answer Him and receive Him in my heart once again. I knew what I had to do; I had to open that door.

I reconnected with a friend from high school, and I noticed recently she had spoken of starting a ministry at her church, but it had not worked out. I mentioned perhaps she should start a ministry on Facebook, since it is a site we, along with many others, frequent. She liked the idea, and together we came up with a mom's bible study/blog idea for Facebook about Raising God's Child, with our motto being that we are changing the world one little heartbeat at a time. My hope is that through my blog, and hers, and with a fan page she is going to be setting up through Facebook, we can come together with other mom's who are with Christ, and raising their children in Christ's love, and all share our struggles and our blessings as we go through life. Once we get everything set I will post the information, so those of you on Facebook can join our ministry and help spread the Word.

I want to send this post with a bible verse that I came across today, that I believe truly signifies what I am meant to do, and also what this new ministry we are starting is meant to do.

As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. Whoever speaks, let him speak, as it were, the utterances of God; whoever serves, let him do so as by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen 1Peter 4:10-11