My Saturday night has been pretty quiet. Phil is out fishing with his brother tonight (because apparently you fish for catfish at night...see you do learn something new everyday!), so I've watched two movies: Pirates of the Caribbean 2 (since I am going to see the new third installment tomorrow) and The Naked Mile. But I've been doing a lot of thinking about things today.
As each day ticks by, it gets closer and closer to August, and closer and closer to the day we get married. Phil's wedding ring was delivered the other day. As soon as I got the package I tore it open and just sat there at my desk, staring at it, thinking, "Wow". It made this whole seem thing real, I suppose. And last night when I got home I saw a package sitting out by the front door and it happened to be the wedding present I bought for him. I find that I keep looking at the ring, imagining what it will be like to say vows to each other and exchange rings, and make that commitment to each other. But then I worry. I've never been married before, what if I don't know how to be a good wife? What if I can't contribute enough financially? I don't want him to resent me because I make so little a month, thanks to the government. And I know he wouldn't, but its a thought in my head. I want to do my part in this marriage. I want to make him happy. I just feel like there is so much I don't know about how to be an adult, for some reason. Maybe this all has to do with my birthday coming up, just one more year closer to 30, and I look back and wonder what the hell have I accomplished so far. I feel like I am behind. My high school reunion is coming up in October and looking at my alumni page, everyone seems to be married and have kids and careers, and I am almost 28 years old and still living at home, unable to work anymore, wanting independence.
But then I look back, and I think of all the things I have done. I've grown up, I've learned to be a women, how to take care of myself, my likes and dislikes, my morals and opinions. I went to school and earned an Associates Degree. Life has taken me for a joy ride and I have come up with my head held high and a smile on my face. I built myself a career that even though I am unable to do now, I could always fall back on it if need be. Now I enter a new chapter in my life, and I am going to take all the experiences I have had so far, and just add to it. I just hope I am good at this whole being married thing. I just want us to have a happy life together.
Besides that, when I came on here tonight to blog, I saw I had a blog comment on the blog I wrote about my wedding news. Much to my surprise, it was from my actual dad. It has been a long time since I have heard from him. Not sure what to make of it. Its nice that he wrote me. But in a way I feel he's putting the fact that we have no relationship all on me, like I want nothing to do with him. This has never been the case. I've tried to have a relationship with him, when I came back to Arizona after living in Florida, I tried opening the door, even saying let's just be friends. But I got nothing, no phone calls, no emails, no nothing. It seemed to me that he was the one who didn't want any contact with me, and after awhile, I just gave up. I always have, and still do, have respect for him, he's my father after all, and growing up he worked hard to make sure we had a nice home and nice things, and food on the table. But after my parents divorced, and mom and I moved to Florida, it just seems like whatever relationship we had just went out the window. I'm not saying I am perfect, but I think I was a pretty good daughter, still am. I was never a bad kid growing up, I didn't cause a lot of trouble. So I wonder why he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. Maybe he just never really wanted to be a father. I don't know. I think its a shame that he doesn't know the women I have become. But then I get this comment from his tonight and he says he's leaving it up to me. So, I'll try again. If he wants to talk, wants to get together, work things out, whatever, then I am here, I am open to that. But its a two-way street.
About Me
- Kimbo Central
- San Tan Valley, AZ, United States
- A wife and mommy to a beautiful three year old son, blogging about being a mommy, and taking care of my family.
1 comment:
You are right, it is a shame that I do not know you. As I read thru these blogs I do get an idea. I probably should not use this forum to voice my response, but since you choose to let your blog buddies believe I never really wanted to be a father - here goes. You are right, after you injured yourself and I spent that night with you in the hospital I thought OK, maybe we can have something. I left many messages on your cell phone with no responses from you. As you should know I really do not like to use the computer to communicate. We were able to spend a couple of Christmas mornings together, but then that went away as you told your Grandmother it was too hard for you to not to be with your Mother on that morning. When you do not receive any Fathers Day or Birthday cards for many years you do tend to give up. along with an e-mail that John sent to Jack about how he was your Father now was very hurtful to me, and your response to that was "That's Just John". And I see thru this blog where you refer to him as Dad, I can tell you that Donna's son Ryan does not refer to me as Dad and I would not allow that to happen. I have no problem in you having a relationship with John, matter of fact I am sure he has been a good influence on you in the time you have spent together. I am sure when your Mom and Dad, plus your blog buddies, read this response from me they will all be made aware of what an "ASS" I am because that is what I feel you all think of me. I did make my mistakes in my realtionship with you since your mother and I divorced, but I have tried to have some sort of relationship, and everytime you have always just blown me off. I do hope you have a happy birthday and that your life with Phil brings you much happiness. I did find somehing else interesting. You made a comment about you and your Mom not coming from money making it hard to do a wedding. If I remember you had a decent size trust fund from your Grandfather, and my parents bought you at least a couple of cars. If you can learn anything from me, you be "real" with people when you talk about yourself. People will have much more respect for you when you live your life that way. I do Love you and miss talking to you, and hope that at some time we can work on that.
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