More Kimbo Ramblings

I was in such a bad mood today, and I am not even sure completely why. This is the happiest time of my life, being engaged to a wonderful man who as of August I will be so proud to call my husband. But I just feel out of sorts lately. Like I am not sure what to do with myself, its as though I am unsure of myself and my abilities. And I know it is silly. I guess when one chapter of your life ends and another begins, it just makes you think. But I wouldn't trade any of this.

I did come to realize the other day my relief that I will no longer ever have to deal with dating. Putting yourself out there, getting rejected, meeting weirdos, getting your heart broken. I am done with it all, and it is like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I've never been one who enjoyed dating. First dates were something I dreaded. There is nothing worse then going out with someone for the first time, and being on your best behavior, trying to impress them, with the every annoying awkward silence that always happens. No wondering after the date if your ever going to hear from them again. Dating to me seemed like an interview process. Trying to show that person how much better you are then all the rest of the prospects.

I deal much better with relationships, being with that one person, knowing that no matter what, they are there for you. I am excited about getting married!! It is something that I have always wanted. I am a natural caregiver and nurturer, and the idea of having a spouse and children and a home to take care of has always appealed to me. I look forward to having Phil come home from work and telling me about his day while we have dinner together, and being able to have him be the last thing I see when I go to sleep, and the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. Having him beside me through life, through good times and bad, knowing that I will never have to be alone in this life, because even when we are apart, he is still with me.

I was perfectly content being alone, and being single, for the rest of my life. I had actually resigned myself to being that way. But now that I met him, my life has meaning, and it has a purpose, and that is to love him and be the best wife and mother to our children that I can be. I wonder, and even worry, at times that I may not be a good wife, that maybe I won't be able to make him happy. But I see now I just need to be myself, be the women that he fell in love with, and that by doing that, I will be good at this wife thing.

Its just time for me to stop worrying about the little things, and focus on being engaged and being happy and just let life happen as it does. Things will be a lot better though once we are together on a daily basis, and we don't have to go days being apart. I think right now that's what a lot of my problem is, I miss him so much. When we are together, it feels right. To leave him at the end of the night, it just feels wrong. Watching him walk away, its heartbreaking.