Kimbo: The Single Years

I find myself back in the single life again. And I have to admit, even though there is a big part of me that misses being in a relationship, there is another part of me that is actually grateful to have this time to myself.

I need some time to think, about what I want from life, and love. I know exactly what I am looking for when it comes to who I want as a partner. But for some reason, I keep finding myself in situations where I keep getting hurt.

A lot of my problem is that I have a huge heart, with a lot of love to give. And as much as I can deal with being single, I do miss companionship. I miss having someone to love, to take care of. So when someone out there shows interest in me, I tend to overlook all the warning signs and red flags that pop up all around me, and give the person the benefit of the doubt. Its not until I've been hurt that I can look back and think, "What the hell was I doing!?"

I've realized another part of my problem is that I get so cynical. I've been hurt so much that I feel that every relationship I am going to go into, I am just going to get myself hurt, and that in some sick way, I almost feel like its just what I deserve. If I am foolish enough to put my heart out there, and it gets broken, well that's no one's fault but my own. I automatically assume the other person is going to hurt me, or that the whole thing is going to go down in flames, usually when I start to really trust and care about the person.

But over the past few weeks, I've taken some time to really sit down with myself. And I've come to realize that I do deserve to be loved, and to be happy. I deserve to be with someone who is going to appreciate all that I have to offer, and isn't going to treat me like I am just something to be used and tossed aside. Instead of putting up all these walls around myself, and my heart, and living in fear of getting hurt, I need to open myself up to new possibilites and opprotunites. Allow myself to feel whatever it is I am feeling. Live in the moment. And if I get hurt, well, then I just need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again. If I continue the way I am going now, with this cynical outlook and fear, I am going to be alone and unhappy forever. And I refuse to have that happen.

Another thing that has helped me a lot is that I see now, that not all men out there are jerks, that there are actually some nice guys out there who know how to treat a women. Dating Dave actually helped me realize that. He treated me with more respect then most of the guys I have dated, he actually cared about my feelings and who I am as a person, and even now, just as friends, he still cares and wants to see me happy. Its made me realize that there are guys out there who will be the same way and it gives me hope that I'm not going to keep having run-ins with jerks.

So..even though I am taking a little break from everything, I did put my ad back out on a few sites. I figure its going to take a little time to get some responses and actually go out on dates, which is exactly what I need to get geared up for hitting the dating scene again. I'm definitely not a fan of dating, I much prefer being in a relationship, being with someone who I know is interested in me and wants to be there. But, I look at it as sort of a new adventure. And this time around, I am going into it with a brand new attiude. I'm going to pay attention to the red flags that pop up, keep my eyes open, and lead with my head, not my heart.

Wish me luck....I know Mr. Right has to be out there somewhere!